Wedding Plans

26th June - 6 weeks to go.

Things are a bit hectic here, Katie is building up to a crescendo, every weekend there seems to be at least one crisis. Who's coming to the Hen night in London on the 'Disco Decker'? It travels round the clubs in London, picking up and dropping off in Picaddily. Sue is going - go Sue! The latest plan is for Katie and Dan to go over to France for the day to get wine and Champagne.

Katie and Sue have just spent a Mother and daughter weekend at a place called Henlow Grange which is a health Spa. "What advice can you give me for married life mum?" Hmm "Be good to your husband? (No), "Make sure there is a hot meal on the table when he gets home?" (No) "Remember that the most important thing in your life is him?" (No).... after careful consideration Sue said, "Don't take any crap".

Dan, Ben and I have been liaising over the speeches and I am already starting to get an attack of the butterflies.

Dad's get left out when it comes to arranging weddings. All I have to do is knock on the door at 11.45 to collect Katie from her room and then walk her down the aisle. After that I have to give a speech and that's me done. My suit has been picked by Dan, the venue, food wine etc. are all someone else's responsibility but I have arranged the music - 'The Harvs' and 'GR8'. The corkage is £7 a bottle for wine, £9 a bottle for champagne and £50 for a keg of beer, what a rip!

28th July (2 weeks to go)

Dan and Katie arrive after we have done breakfasts and rooms. They want to show us what they have been buying for people at the wedding, little trinkets for the children and presents for the bridesmaids, ushers and best man. The engagement ring has been cleaned and re-sized and Dan has some new Hudson shoes - very nice too. Apparently the forecast is good for the beginning of August, good!
No time to go to France for the wine so we ordered wine and Champagne from Tescos online - to be delivered the day before the wedding, a bit dodgy I thought but apparently it's guaranteed!

I have done a powerpoint presentation to loop on a projector in the marquee, not bad I think. It shows the story of Katie learning to be a good housewife, meeting the man of her dreams and preparing for the big day.

Final preparations

Katie and Dan arrived back in Lowestoft on Thursday 9th. Dan's Nan's funeral was on that day so they had a quick shower and away they went. The last couple of weeks had seen Dan's Nan slowly deteriorating, a sad time for him and his family. They got home at about 6pm after a 'fantastic wake' to quote Dan. His Grandad Len had got pretty merry and the family had all had a good time together. They felt it was just what Nan would have wanted and it helped them all to realise that death is inevitable and although it was sad, she had had a good life and they were able to celebrate it.

We went on the beach and launched a huge Thai lantern (We were hoping to let of loads at the wedding but the owners were frightened we would set fire to there crop on the field next door), Katie and Dan made a wish and off it went, disappearing up into the night sky. It was only at that point I realised it looked a bit like a flare and I half expected to see the lifeboat come racing out of the harbour!



We bought Katie a memory chest in Thailand, somewhere to keep all her little keepsakes. Funny to think back to buying it in Ban Tawai last January and then it's journey on the boat all the way over here. After Katie opened it Sue decided to sit on it and there was a loud cracking sound! Luckily there was no obvious evidence of damage.

Friday we got all the rooms ready for Katie and Dan's friends, we were full to the gunwales using the floor and even our bed! Sue changed all the beds and put clean bedding in all the rooms and left a message asking them to change them. Of course you can guess what happened - they changed the bed BEFORE they slept in them!

Some of my cousins from Oxford were arriving at the Elms (the wedding venue)in the afternoon so we set off at about 4.00pm with a load of bbq stuff to meet them. Poor old Sue had to go via Tescos because they had messed up our delivery of Champagne and ended up getting caught up in a traffic jam caused by a fatal accident. It was strange to think of the agony one family was going through whilst we were preparing for a big family celebration.

Katie stayed with us for a while but then went off with her bridesmaids to do makeup and drink Champagne. Dan, Ben and the ushers went off to the local pub for a drink and Sue and I retired early - worn out.

The big day

The quick drink at the local turned into a 'lock in'! The landlord finally drove them back at about 2.30 in the morning. A good start to the day. Ben was in a real state and he had to do a speech. He was nervous enough as it was without a giant hangover and I ended up walking him around the grounds at about 11.00, the ceremony was at 12.00 and we weren't in our suits yet. 2 paracetomol plenty of water, cross your fingers and off he went.

My room was just down the hall from Katie's and I wa due to collect her at 11.45. I got ready and then paced around in the lounge area. I could hear doors banging and laughter as the bridesmaids got her ready and then a chorus of "Byes" and off they went.

By then the chauffer had arrived - "Don't worry about the speech, just say the first thng that comes into your head" he said...... "Charley Dimmock!" where did they, I mean that come from?

I wanted some time to gather my thoughts and so I went outside. It was a gorgeous day we were so lucky. Everything seemed very still, waiting like me for the day to start. Time seemed to stop, I was never going to do this again. I was never going to wait to give my daughter away. In fact the whole day was going to be full of things I had never done and would never do again. This was the climax to my sabbatical year and something Katie had been planning and thinking about, certainly for the last two years and probably long before that. What was I going to say to her? How would I react when I saw her? Sue had already told me that she cried when she saw Katie try on her dress and I didn't want to make a fool of myself. Then time started again. This was my moment of the day.

"She is ready for you now" said this nice lady with a walky talky who straightened my buttonhole and gave me a quick check to make sure I was up to scratch. I walked along a corridor towards a corner on my left around which was a set of stairs. I could see the chauffer and photographer waiting.

There she was, my daughter standing on about the third step smiling down at me. She looked radiant, so happy, expectant, beautiful, shy and many other things all at once. I turned and these other people, the photographer, chauffer and walky talky woman were all looking at me. I don't think I said anything, I honestly can't remember. I felt a lump in my throat but I didn't cry. It was like a dream. "Will you stand next to her so we can take some photographs" someone said, and the spell was broken. Sound came flooding in things started to happen.

'Crackle' - "We are ready at this end" came through.
"OK just taking photographs and the she will be leaving"
"We are on our way, repeat on our way - all systems go, 10, 9, ...."
We were ushered into the car, the photographer clicking away. Once inside, the chauffer said "It's still not too late you know I could drive you to London" and started to engage me in a surreal conversation about miles per gallon. I concentrated on Katie, she was blowing air and feeling nervous. Funny but she had been fine until I arrived and now she was full of nerves. I talked about living every moment of the day and then we were there outside the entrance and the bridesmaids were all lined up waiting for us.

There was a brief discussion about who would go first and this strange man, who turned out to be the Registrar gave Katie and I some last minute instructions -





"Take your time walking down the aisle, it will be over soon enough" and the doors opened. The first thing I saw was my brother Nick beaming at us and then all eyes turned to look at Katie and cameras started to click. Katie held my arm and then it was done, I sat down next to Sue and events took over.

The whole day was lovely. Dan got quite emotional during his speech but held himself together well. Ben was great, he started with some silent humour, patting his pockets and then pulling various items out with just the right amount of comic timing. I could hear people whisper "Oh no he can't find the speech" and then they got it and started to laugh and he relaxed.

The music was fantastic - lots of dancing going on and, well everything you would expect from a great night.

Katie spent the whole day smiling and Dan said they felt like royalty.

I was so glad for them, it will go down as a landmark event in our family. People will remember it and talk about it, you can't buy those kinds of memories.

I am glad they wanted to do it and I am even more glad that it came off.

If you want to see more photos go to:

http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/katieanddanrose

Lowestoft in July

Back in the old routine. My days consist of getting up at about 7.00 laying tables for breakfast, serving breakfast, clearing up the plates, loading the dishwasher, tidying the dining room and kitchen then going upstairs with Sue to clean and change the rooms. we are usually done by 10.30. Then we have breakfast and decide what to do with the day.
Shall we go down town or go to Norwich? Shall I do some jobs - hoover the garage, clean and stain the decking?
At about 12.00 we have lunch and then 10 minutes on the settee (usually nearer half an hour). Then I check emails - nothing usually, play the guitar for a while and plan lots of other crackpot things to do such as:
Buy a bungalow for Dad - this plan almost got to signing point before Sue's 4th sleepless night in a row and the fact that Dad didn't really want to move made me realise it maybe wasn't such a good idea.
Make my own wine again - something I used to do about 30 years ago, I am going to use the bottom of the boiler cupboard as a fermentation area and make a wine storage rack in the garage that has a carpeted top, bottom and sides with a small heater in it to keep the wine warm and dark. It sounds like a bit of a fire hazard and the boiler room will stink.
Sue is making no objections as she is probably counting on this idea going the same way as all the others, but I have bought a book and am on the lookout for a hydrometer to measure the specific gravity. If you take the s.g. at the beginning and end, subtract one form the other and then multiply by 7.4 (I think) you get the % proof.
"It may taste like socks but it's 17% by volume and it only cost 50p a bottle" - bargain.
After this it's time to open a bottle of (bought) wine and think about tea, have a go at the crossword and Soduko maybe go to the pub, maybe see a friend and then bed, usually by 10.00 if we don't go out......
It's funny how now I'm home I can find very little of interest to write about, which is wierd because lots has happened whereas in Thailand nothing much happened. I guess it is just the same old 'same same' to me back here and I don't think anyone will find it interesting.
We did go to the 'Latitude Festival - http://www.latitudefestival.co.uk/home/
It was good fun, we saw a great Poet called Murray Laughlan Young - http://www.murraylachlanyoung.com/
and lounged about listening to some good bands in the Uncut Arena.
I did have an interesting conversation whilst cycling up the pedestrianised high street the other evening on my way to Tescos. It was quiet and another guy was cycling along too.
"This is the way to travel" I said.
"The last time I was on one of those bikes I was in Holland" he replied (I have a 'Giant' in the old sit-up-and-beg style) and so I slowed down to his speed and settled down for a nice chat for the next few minutes before I reached the shop.
"Did you see the arrest on the beach" he said,
"No?!"
"This young lad was giving the police some lip and eventually they got fed up and arrested him, there must have been 50 of them"
Something in the way he said it made me think he was deadly serious and probably anti police
"A bit of an over reaction you think then" I said tentatively
"I suffer from MS" he replied. "The other day I cycled up to O'Reillys (Irish Pub) and laid down in the doorway for a rest because I was tired. Do you know how many police it took to arrest me?:.... thirteen!"
"Well here we are I said, I'm going in here, nice to talk to you."

Import - Export

"There's no way you are going to get those on there". The fork lift driver sat in his fork lift looking at me expectantly, a small crowd of truckers that had gathered to see the entertainment shook their heads in wonder at the foolishness of the general public in matters of lifting and volume!

"Well I thought you could put the two big ones in and then stack the others on top?". I knew the size of the crates and had worked out that there was plenty of room. Didn't they know they were dealing with a Physicist, I know all about volume.

There was a sharp intake of breath, "ffff (whilst breathing in), can't do that, it happens all the time, people turn up with these Luton vans and we have to tell them the same thing, you can't use a forklift to stack these boxes - too heavy! We can get three on but not this last one." After a 4 hour drive to a warehouse in the middle of no-where on the south coast I was in no mood for jokes but I really hoped he was.

How did it come to this, it should have been so easy - buy the stuff in Chiang Mai, the shipping company collect it, pack it, ship it to Felixstowe and you pick it up in a hired van. Things are so cheap, surely even with the cost of shipping it's got to be cheaper than buying it at home and we had so much fun buying the stuff.

"I'll have that .... that ..... two of them"
"Look at this Sue!"
"We can furnish a whole room for under £100!"
"Don't worry about the weight the cost is done on volume"
- and the best one
"Oh, My shipping agent will collect it".

Our agent is called Adul, he is about 20 and lives in Chiang Mai near the Night Bazaar. He is a great guy and very helpful. We got to know each other quite well, mainly through email and he supports Liverpool.

Dear Mark and Sue,

The score in Anfield I can not believe it. Liverpool 0 -1 Man Utd(John Osea,90.) We assume the game 90% but can not do the score just nearly but Man Utd got free kick in the last minute and they make score.(T,T)

By the way for the paper lantern I will find and let you know the best price as soon as possible.

Have a good trip in Koh Chang.

Dear Mark and Sue,

How are you ? hope you very well.

I have some question to confirm with you

Please see picture in attachment file and confirm back those picture is your order or not ? due to this package dio not have any paper on it ,so I am not sure that this is belong to your or not ?

Thank a lot for your kindly confirm in advance

(We had never seen these before - what else would arrive in Felixstowe we wondered)

Dear Mark and Sue,

According for your cargo you can stay in our warehouse no problem but in Felixstowe Port you have free time only 3 days.

When your cargo arrive to Felixstowe Port please contact with our agent quickly and do custom clearance with in 3 days if over than 3 days they will have demurrage charge to you per day.

So please feel free to advice if you have any question.

Thank you for your reply.

Best regards
Adul

Dear Mark and Sue,

How are you ? Hope you very well.

I think you very happy for the big match( Liverpool with Man Utd ) but I'am very sad when the game finish.

Where are you now ? Take care.

My uncle and my aunt

Best regards, Adul

Dear Mark




































Please see picture of your cargo

So please feel free to advice if you have any question.

Thank you very much

Best regards,
Adul

Dear Mark,

Your cargo is 4 crates please find detail as below.

DESCRIPTION SIZE DIMENSION
Crate No.1 : 0.76 x 2.06 x 0.92 : 1.44 CBM
Crate No.2 : 1.24 x 2.26 x 1.32 : 3.69 CBM
Crate No.3 : 0.76 x 1.37 x 1.25 : 1.30 CBM
Crate No.4 : 1.19 x 2.13 x 0.69 : 1.74 CBM
Total : 8.17 CBM

And vessel schedule please find as below.

FEEDER VESSEL : BANI BHUM V.517S
MOTHER VESSEL : NYK APHRODITE V.29W19
ETD BANGKOK : 14 MAY 2007
ETA FELIXSTOWE : 10 JUNE 2007

So please feel free to advice if you have any question.

Thank you very much

Best regards,
Adul

Dear Mark

Congratulation for Premier League Champion.

Please see the price per CBM as below.

C&F from Chaingmai upto Felixstowe Port,UK.
First CBM : 8,700 BHT.
Next CBM : 4,800 BHT.

Before you leave from Chiangmai you paid the deposit 8,700 BHT.

1) Your cargo 8.17 CBM is : 4800 x 7.17 = 34,416 BHT 2)

Total for your payment is 35,381 BHT

So please feel free to advice if you have any question.

Thank you very much.

Best regards,
Adul


Bloody Hell, 8.17 cubic metres! I had imagined about 3, we had obviously bought more than we thought - 35, 000 baht is about £500, but it is still reasonably cheap (although not quite so 'reasonable' now!).

So, before we left Thailand we understood that we were going to have to pay import duty and VAT and that we had a couple of days to pick the cargo up before they started to charge for storage. I had visions of driving into the port area to a huge warehouse, you know like on the films with rows and rows of boxes piled to the roof and disappearing into the distance. We got back into the UK on 9th May, the shipment left Thailand 10th May and was due to arrive in Felixstowe about 10th June.

I have spent the last four weeks imagining my cargo battling it's way through the world's oceans to my home - round the tip of India, hugging the west coast of India or across the Indian Ocean to the Suez canal (surely not round the 'Cape of Good Hope') through the Med, the up the west coast of Europe, across the Bay of Biscay into the North Sea and the port of Felixstowe, how romantic, how I wish I was doing that journey!

On 1st June we had an email from a shipping company in Felixstowe to tell us our cargo had arrived (already!) in Southampton (where!). We would have to pay extra to get it to Felixstowe by road, neither they nor Adul seemed to think this unusual. Luckily I had 7 days free storage starting from Wednesday 6th June after it had been unloaded, so I decided to get it myself and having checked the dimensions I ordered a suitable van for Monday 11th and arranged for 2 friends to come and help me load up.

On Friday 8th I had an email to say that they couldn't release the cargo without the original 'bill of lading' (whatever that was), a fax or email copy wouldn't do. The document was enroute from Thailand so I had to cancel the van and hope the document arrived soon, the last free day was Tuesday 12th.

Tuesday 12th - no documents, so I rang the shipping company. "Oh yes, we have had a word with the people in Thailand and we have agreed to release the cargo anyway (!!)" I rang the van hire company, yes they had a van available all week. I rang off and rang the shipping company back, the charge per day was £40 but it was 11.00 by then so I decided to go on Wednesday and absorb the extra cost. I rang back the van hire company. "Oh, we have just let the van for tomorrow, will Thursday do?" That would mean an extra £80 so I said I would take it now. It was 11.30, the AA route planner suggested the trip would take 4 hours and the warehouse closed at 16.00.

I zapped down to the hire place on my bike whilst Sue made sandwiches and made sure that a) someone would be there even if I was late and b) they would help me load.

Off I went - M25, no queues, M3 no queues. I watched the time and the mileometer, I was averaging 50 miles an hour and the distance was 226 miles. At five to four I pulled up at a Post Office in the village where the warehouse was. "Oh yes, you turn left just there (pointing) and it is three quarters of a mile down the lane on the left. You go past a farm, down a hill and there it is. " I followed the instructions and at the bottom of the hill looked out for a sign. No sign but a track and at the bottom I could just make out a lorry and a shed. It was a miracle anyone ever found it!

What to do with the last crate? "I'll just have to unload it here and put the stuff on myself. Have you got a hammer and a crowbar I can borrow?"

I got an incredulous look from forklift driver and was that a guffwah I heard from the crowd. They shambled off and I set too.

When I finally broke into the crate I found that verything was individually wrapped and protected by shredded newspaper. It was quite a breezy afternoon so you can imagine the mess. I finally finished and looked round, everyone had gone and the place was locked up except for an old boy hanging around. "I've left a bit of a mess, what do you want me to do with the bits?" "Oh, just leave it there." That was a relief and I hightailed it out of there as quickly as I could before he could change his mind.

I arrived home at about 10.30pm and we unloaded. Luckily the van had a tail lift so all we had to do was drag the crates onto the lift and then lower them into the garage.

Quite a day!

This Import - Export business is not all it's cracked up to be!! Still next time it will be so much easier .......

11th June 2007 - New blog!

I have just posted a blog of my time in Prague on a CELTA course. If you are interested go to:

teflpragueseptember2006.blogspot.com

12th June 2007 - A cycle ride in the country and spring cleaning

27th May

Seeing lots of family and friends - catching up.

Went into college and everyone seemed pleased to see me which was really nice. There was a buzz about the place and this re-inforced my earlier feeling of renewed enthusiasm, I don't start until 13th August but I want to have some say in what I do next year.

There is a bbq in my Dad's barn tonight for my birthday and Sue and I have been practising a song for months, 'Wish You Were Here' - Pink Floyd, tonight's the night for our debut performance. I know I will sweat buckets and my fingers will feel like fat pork sausages, unfortunately not Segovia's!

30th May

Barn bbq called off due to torrential downpour and flooding, it's great to be back home! Finished up in the pub which was good anyway.

Found a great guitar site - nextlevelguitar.com, I think I might join. I can now mutilate American Pie, Hurt (Johnny Cash) , Drive (Incubus), Chasing Cars (Snow Patrol) and an Alice in Chains number. Next public performance opportunity will be round a camp fire at Latitude Festival 13th July. I know I am practicing a lot because I can't feel the ends of my fingers on the left hand and they have permanent grooves in them from the strings - is this normal?

4th June

Yesterday we put our bikes on the train from Lowestoft to Haddiscoe and then cycled home through Somerleyton and Oulton Broad - stopping at two pubs and a duck pond (for sandwiches) on the way. It's lovely in the countryside but there is so much traffic, I was alternating between cycling beside Sue and dropping behind to let cars pass. We parked our bikes next to an Aston Martin DB7 in Somerleyton so that when we came out we could walk towards it and bask in the brief moment when the people sitting outside thought it was ours. Inside the pub there were pictures all over the wall of local people who all have something to do with Lord Somerleyton's (or Lordie as they call him!!) estate. There was one lovely old boy holding a pair of shears as though it was a rifle. Last time we were there it was a bit run down but now there are old leather chairs, real ale and wine for sale as well as a posh restaurant.

Today I am spring cleaning the garage. That means getting everything out and hoovering everywhere, I am a bit obssesive like that. It's great because I can put everything in the middle of the garage and then find new places to store everything. That way only I know where anything is and I can justify my existance. Another reason why I am doing it is because I am going to start making wine again so I have to make a warming cupboard with a heater in it to keep the demi-johns in. Sue has banned me from the airing cupboard, remembering the last time I made wine (20 yeras ago). There was a background noise of soft 'plops' from the air locks and the occasional muffled explosion when I got carried away with the sugar and the air lock got blocked- aahh those were the days.

Another project is to make those fire tables I mentioned when we were in Chiang Dao - so much to do. so little time.....

21st May 2007 - Back on the treadmill

Well here we are back home. Woolly socks, coal fires and responsibility.

The first morning it was as if we had never cooked breakfast before. We were up before 6 o'clock (jet lag) but were still not organised by 8 and I had forgotten how the microwave worked! Al, who looked after our guest house, did such a good job that we are having to work extra hard to live up to expectations.

"Al gives us our tea after breakfast"
"Al gave us skimmed milk"
"We usually have our milk slightly warmed"
"Hang on a minute while I go and get a piece of paper to write down your varied and unreasonable requests - soused herring?!"

A broken washing machine first day meant I filled one large and 4 small washing machines at the laundrette, I didn't know we owned so many towels.

We are back into the routine again now though and thoughts are turning more and more towards our daughter's wedding on 11th August.

Kate and her partner Dan are going to be coming home pretty well every weekend between now and then. So far we have booked the music - our favourite local band 'The Harvs' and their heavier alter ego 'GR8', 'Del from hell' on the piano and a disco. I think there is going to be time for the ceremony.

I took my son to see Gary Moore (who?) last weekend. My neice's partner Steven won tickets in a competition on 'Planet Rock' (you have to say it with a husky, deep boxing match master of ceremonies type accent - Planet Rrrrock) and then realised he coudn't go, so he thought of me (thanks again Steven). It was at a secret venue in London which turned out to be Bush Hall on Uxbridge Road. Only 100 people and he was great, a virtuoso guitarist - the equivalent of Yehudih Menuhin on violin, you may not like the music but you have to appreciate the skill involved. The concert is being aired on Planet Rock (don't forget the accent) in about 5 weeks time if you are interested.

We had fun getting there. Ben and I were talking so much that we missed the turning to London out of Norwich and only realised when we were 18 miles from Kings Lynn! Luckily we had left plenty of time and we finally arrived in Uxbridge having driven right round the other side of London on the M25. We stopped at a pub,
"Do you know where Bush Hall is?"
"Sorry never heard of it",
"It's on Uxbridge Rd."
"That's a pretty long road have you got the Post Code? ... [looks in A - Z, she was very helpful] That Post Code is for Uxbridge Road, Shepherd's Bush, Central London!!"

We drove back out onto the M25 with a view to getting to the right side of London for driving home and then getting the tube back in. However my neice Karen phoned and pointed out that you can actually still take cars into London and there are parking places so why not drive to the venue? So we did. Drivers are so helpful in London, if you are not sure which lane to be in approaching a roundabout or if you momentarily lose concentration at a set of lights and don't notice that the red light is starting to fade and the green light is getting brighter, they remind you with a little toot on the horn and a friendly gesture to point out the error of your ways, God I've missed this country.

We drove out into the countryside yesterday to a street market in Bungay. We took the back roads and realised again what a beautiful country we live in, fresh green and the smell and promise of spring. Then we walked through Bungay along a street flanked by lovely old terraced houses, a scene that could only be in England - home.

Hang on, what's this? A tent outside a Thai restaurant serving:
Gaeng Kiao Wan (Green Curry),
Gaeng Pet (Red Curry),
Gai Pat Met Ma Muang (Stir Fried Chicken and Cashew Nuts)!!
Ahh those lovely familiar smells and smiley faces,
"Sawasdee Kap",
"Sawasdee Kah" - home!

11th May 2007 - Final Thoughts

We left England on October 19 2006. Time seemed to stretch before us .... all the time in the world to experience Thailand at a pace we chose, 30 weeks or 210 days.

Thailand seems like home at the moment.

I am used to the sounds -
Cicadas first thing in the morning and in the evening herald the time to get up and go to bed better than any alarm clock.
Geckos reassure us that they are patroling for mosquitoes.
In the cities the sound of tuk-tuks and dogs are ever present and on the beaches there is the sound of the waves and the long-tail boats - "boat - boat?" "Hat Rin - Hat Rin?" the boat owners ask us if we want to go somewhere.

I am used to the language -
Everywhere you are greeted with a big smile and greeting "Sawasdee Kaa (female) or Sawasdee Kap (male)". Even though I only understand a few words, the constant chatter of Thai around us is familiar now. I am picking up the sing-song nature of the language and can imagine what they are saying without having to know the details (I remember talking to Shaun Wilden, one of my tutors from last September. He has lived in Prague for many years. I asked him if he missed England and he said he had no desire to go back. On visits he finds himself swamped with background noise that he can't shut out. What is this noise? Conversation that he can understand and as a result can't stop listening to!! I wonder if I will experience the same thing).

I am used to the weather -
hot and sunny, hot and cloudy, hot and raining or hot and dark about sums it up.

I am used to the TV -
News, soaps, chat shows, slapstick, monks chanting.
The newscasters are celebrities and appear as guests on chat shows doing the same routine on one station after the other (according to an article in the Bangkok Post).
The soaps involve very young Thai girls and boys falling in and out of love and slapping each other across the face a lot. The moment when they fall in love is highlighted by misty camera shots rotating round the young couple and cartoon love hearts and bluebirds round their heads (I kid you not!).
The slapstick shows involve brilliant sound effects such as the 'boing' of a spring to punctuate a trip over a step and the rising and falling tone of a penny whistle when someone says anything silly. So tacky!
Imagine a whole channel devoted to a fixed camera shot of a monk sitting in the lotus position in his saffron robes chanting for (what seems) hour after hour. It is amazing how often we have seen TV's tuned to this station - is this a comment on their devotion or the quality of the other options!
The newscasters, chat show hosts and even the young teen idols often wear the ubiquitous yellow t-shirt (in honour of the king) which means that they look no different from anyone you may meet on the street. I really like that.
Sport - (football, are there any other sports?) is on ESPN and Star Sports with presenters such as Shebby Singh and Jamie Reeves. Jamie is the man Sue and I love to hate, he appears in an advert on TV trying to get investors to buy land in our country. He stands there like a piece of wood, next to 'Big Ben' and says "Buy UK land - I did". Another advert involves an equally wooden Steve McMahon (ex - Liverpool) and Brian Robson (ex - Man Utd).

Steve McMahon (Macka) is sitting next to Brian Robson (Robbo) on a settee watching TV and sipping a cup of tea (how likely is that!).
Macka - [Staring at television off screen] "Did you buy a PP (Profitable Plot), I did?"
Robbo - [Looking at TV and holding tea cup with little finger sticking up] "Aye Macka, I bought two."
Macka - [Turns to stare at Robbo with astonishment] "You bought two! I ony bought one."
Robbo - [Slowly turns to Macka and winks] "That's why I was Captain." (aarrrggghhh!)

Thai people are much more difficult to understand -
They are instinctively respectful and polite to each other and to us. Only Thais subjected to Western excess are sometimes cynical or impatient. They are very loyal to their King and revere the monks.
Thai teenagers hang around together, listen to rock and blues and wear trendy clothes, but you don't get a feeling of 'clannishness' of 'us and them' as you pass by. They will smile and say hello to us and will play with small children they see.

Thai people can seem childlike, in the sense that they appear to be uncomplicated, open and trusting. I remember sitting at a bar when one of the slap-stick TV shows was on, it seemd to be loosely based around the old 'Generation Game' format. An expert Thai Boxer went through a routine to show off his skills and this was followed by two 'stooges' who tried to do the same but kept falling over (boing) or missing their kick (whistle). The Thai men around me were in hysterics.

Which reminds me, we didn't get to see a Thai Boxing match (Muay Thai). Two people we were talking to went and it involved two rival clubs. They said it was definitely real. One bout stood out to them in which they went through the opening ritual of bowing and praying and then within 5 seconds one had kicked the other in the head and the fight was over. They said he was unconcious before he hit the floor, ouch. Every fight was very vicious, apparently pretty well anything goes, the only thing the ref does is to check at the start that they are wearing a 'box'! I don't think we would have enjoyed it.

However, they come from a culture that is a world away from my own. My Western values sometimes seemed far removed from those of people brought up in the East. During my reading I came across the following idea.

In Philosophy in the 'West' things have been divided into objects (external) and subjects (internal - to do with mind). This has led us to separate the external world (engineering, science etc) and the internal world (art, poetry, faith etc.). The idea that we are separate from the external world means that we may feel we can treat it as something to use and manipulate. It is not 'us', it is there for us, so we use and abuse the world around us. Life is a constant battle with nature, trying to mold it into what we want.

In the East this initial philosophical distinction was not made. Consequently, the distinction between an internal and external world is much more blurred. The Buddha taught that we are not separate from the world, we do not exist as a separate entity, there is no such thing as 'me' (This idea that we don't exist as a separate entity, we won't die because we were never born, is at the root of Buddhism). There is a 'right way' to live and that means being in harmony with the world.

I guess 7 months away has shown me that my home is in England with people who have similar memories and life experiences to me. I am going to miss Thailand but it will always be a place to visit populated by a people I will never really know.

Thailand is a beautiful place and at the moment we both feel we want to come back. I recommend it. It has been everything we could have expected:

Lush vegetation, trees, birds and lovely cool evenings in the hills of North Thailand staying at a place called 'The Nest' at Chang Rai between December and February.
Incredible rock formations and amazingly clear sea water in Krabbi Provence. West Railay was a bit 'trendy' for us - beautiful people and expensive but visually stunning. East Railay was more our sort of place, we stayed at Viewpoint, don't forget to say Hi to Lek at the massage place there.
Lovely beaches and peace and quiet at 'Sawasdee Bungalows' on Kho Chang in the Andaman Sea (not The Gulf of Thailand).
Massage courses, music, meditation, tarot, stacks of interesting people and loads going on at Chiang Mai but don't go there between March and October, the heat is punishing and the air is poor.

I have really enjoyed writing this blog and that discovery has been an important part of this experience, I intend to keep going after all there is a wedding coming up and then the trauma of going back to work.

I have appreciated the time to enjoy whatever I happen to be doing at a particular moment without having to worry about anything else, let me say that again - without having to worry about anything else..... luxury indeed and I acknowledge my good fortune.

We are both determined to avoid the temptation to fill each day with a list of goals that don't leave time for enjoyment because we are always rushing to do the next thing.

We were looking at a motorhome this morning, wondering how much it cost. I think we will go traveling again.

7th May 2007 - The Journey Home

Back in Bangkok for 2 days at SUK 11 and then home. We found 'Countly Loads', it was very depressing, full of middle aged Western men and very young Thai girls, we didn't stay long as we didn't want this experience to be our abiding image of Thailand. I don't blame the men or the girls, I just find it sad, it's hard to think what they find to talk about.

We also went to Chatachuk market with a shopping list from the family and to a big 'mall' on the last day where we watched a thriller called 'Shooter'. After the film we went back to the hostel, collected our bags and ordered a taxi. Here he is, we're off!

"500 baht to Suvarabumi Airport, you must be joking!"

We got out onto the pavement, unloading our rucksacks and a suitcase full of purchases from Chatachuck Market even though we were due to check in in 40 minutes. Now we wouldn't have done that when we arrived in Thailand 6 months ago. I casually waved down another taxi and beat him down to 300 baht (a saving of nearly £3) and we loaded our stuff into the boot, secured the lid with the bungy cord and climbed into the back seat.

He roared through the traffic and kangarooed his way along the freeway arriving with minutes to spare.
We checked our stuff in, went through passport control and settled down for the short 3 hour wait for the plane to take off. No internet, no ATM's but a bar that served 'Mojitas' cocktails and accepted debit cards. Sue wandered off to Duty Free and spent £50 on make-up, she was obviously in no hurry to get back to her old life!

The plane was Royal Jordanian, lots of leg room, 2 free drinks (Whisky and American Soda) and plenty of food, which was actually pretty good. There was also a 'Moving Map' so you could watch yourself inch your way across the planet and check on the direction of 'Mecca'. You might think that boring but it was better than anything else that was on.

Eight hours to Amman and then an hour and a half in a queue waiting for a guy to fill in a form so we could stay a further few hours in a transit hotel before re-boarding to fly to Heathrow. The bags flew on ahead so we didn't need to worry about little things like toothbrushes and a change of clothes.

"Do we get a call in the morning/ afternoon/ evening?" I asked the guy at reception. "Yes Sir" which turned out to be arabic for "No chance". We had left Bangkok at 11.45 pm (LT) which was 5.45pm (BST) (I suggested Sue set her watch to BST so we get used to it and maybe suffer less from jet lag). Amman is 2 hours ahead of BST and 4 hours behind Bangkok (with me so far?) so it was about 8.00 am in Bangkok, 4.00 am in Amman and 2.00am on Sue's watch. The plane was due to take off again at blah o'clock in Amman which is 'huh?' o'clock in Bangkok and 'haven't a clue' o'clock on Sue's watch, so we needed a call!

We woke up and watched a film for a while (Something and Mr Brown, with Billy Connelly, very good). "Do you think we should check downstairs, it seems rather late?" So, I went down to Reception, everywhere seemed very quiet. "Ah yes Sir, the bus for flight RJ111 left 10 minutes ago." We made it though with a skimpy 2 hours to spare and eventually boarded. Only five and a half hours to go and we'll be home!!!

"Adam. Adam, sit still, Adam don't play with that, Adam be a good boy, Adam. Adam ......" right behind us and the plane hadn't even taken off! We looked at each other, it was going to be a long flight.

After circling Heathrow for 20 minutes we touched down. Grey sky, 15 degrees and windy. "Good grief there are our bags! 7 months in Thailand and nothing major has gone wrong, I could even lose my passport now and it wouldn't matter." We walked through 'Nothing to Declare' and round a corner, lots of people all waiting for someone, somewhere there are two people waitng for us ......... Kate and Dan ........... there they are!

2nd May 2007 - Sailing

I forgot to mention our sailing experience on Kho Phangan.

Sue - "If you want me to try sailing now is your chance."

Cookies Bungalows had a laser dinghy for rent. It was a hot day, the sea was warm and shallow and there was hardly any breeze. Perfect conditions to introduce Sue to sailing, she is scared of boats and water, not as bad as she used to be but still nervous.

I went to ask if we could rent it. "Oh, no wind, cannot." "It's OK" I said, "I can sail and I don't really want wind."

His look said "You don't want wind?!" but he reluctantly helped me to push the dinghy down to the waters edge and launch it. I thought I had better familiarise myself first so off I went on my own. I say off, what I really mean is that I drifted gently out to sea with the occasional puff to whet my interest. I tacked a couple of times, which meant I pushed the sail across and swapped sides. As I was wondering how I was going to get back to the shore (apart from wading - it was that shallow) a breeze sprang up which enabled me to sail back to the beach.

"OK Sue, ready?" She clambered in and off we went. The breeze was getting up a bit more now which meant we got a bit of a move on, perfect. The sound of rushing water and an exhilerating sensation of speed. I think she was quite enjoying it and I was having visions of buying a boat when we got home and going sailing together.

Did I mention the water was shallow? The only trouble with shallow water is ........... BANG! The centre board hit a rock. The only trouble with hitting rocks is that the braking distance is zero.
Sue was catapulted forwards and I just managed to hang on to the tiller and sail sheet. "Don't worry Sue, everything is under control, we just hit a rock. No problem I'll just lift the centre board ... there we go we're off again". I managed to say all this in a very calm voice and Sue's look of panic slowly faded as we sailed off. I handled that well I thought, maybe Sue still has confidence in me. "We'll just go out a bit further away from these...." BANG.

Sue, who had just settled down again, was once more catapulted into the front of the dinghy which heeled over at an alarming angle and then turned into the wind, sails flapping. Once more I struggled to lift the centre board which was a bit jammed this time, but I managed and eventually we were off again. "Can we go in now?" Sue's first words since we left dry land. "Yes of course, sorry about this but usually the water is deeper when you go sailing." "Yes, I can see how much fun it is but can we go in now, my leg is a bit bruised." "OK, ready about (sailing term for 'duck or the boom will knock your head off')." I tacked and we headed in. The wind caught the sails and we surged forward......

BANG!!

28th April 2007 - An English couple abroad

We met a couple from England and spent a few pleasant evenings 'decompressing' for when we get home.

Sean is an Inheritance Tax expert and I may be giving away some Civil Service secrets but they have a new tool in the war against tax evasion ...... it's called a 'Goofatron'. Apparently we all have one of these Goofatrons but are unaware of it's powers, we merely use it to send emails and other new fangled activities. He is a traditionalist and prefers the old fashioned 'informer network' that requires daily undercover meetings at the local pub.

His wife Joy (a very apt name), who works for the NHS Service (private joke), introduced and runs a scheme in the North of England co-ordinating a support network available to children. A very important job for a former self confessed 'wild child'! (I wasn't going to mention her name in case they all think she is normal, but I realise they won't be under any illusions on that score).

They were good fun. Every restaurant or pub we went to Sean was asking how much little things cost, ash trays, beer coolers etc. He said he was hoping to buy souvenirs but I reckon he was assessing their worth for tax reasons.

It's funny to talk to people who are on holiday for a normal period of time and talk about normal (well mainly normal) things, rather than back-packers who are opting out for a while.

They are off to Japan to see their son who they haven't seen for 15 months, and we think we've been away a long time.

22nd April 2007 - Ao Nang in Krabbi.

It is getting hot and sticky here now. Sue and I have come to an unspoken agreement that air conditioning has moved to the top of our list of priorities when looking for a room. (Sorry all you hardened backpackers but we are in our 50's you know!)

I had a shave the other day in a barbers, he hesitated when I asked him to do it and I should have taken that as a warning. I had visions of laying back in the chair, like they do in Saville Row and thinking about weighty matters of 'the city' whilst my personal barber prepared me for the day (a little something for the weekend sir?).

He laid me back applied the cream and then reached for his 'cut throat razor'. "Which way is the market going to move today?" I thought "Shall I invest more in my hedge fund? Maybe a new pair of clippers, or even a Black and Decker". It moved towards me and I noticed his hand was shaking violently and he looked very nervous. I instantly thought of the other scenario involving barbers and cut throat razors (no not Sweeney Todd), the Western where the hero is a notorious gun-slinger and the barber is ordered to carry on shaving him even though a posse of bandits is heading into town to kill him. My hand tightened on my six-gun (aka the arm of the chair) under the smock. He moved in under my nose and nicked me on his first pass. This did nothing to calm his (or my) nerves as he applied wads of cotton wool and other ointments to stem the flow. He reached for the cut throat and moved in again, do I try to help by pulling the same faces as when I am shaving myself (will this just frighten him?) or do I just let my face go loose and let him pull my skin about? Will I look good in the city with bits of cotton wool stuck all over my face? Amazingly we both survived the experience more or less intact and I could tick another experience off my list.

Thais have a real problem with r's. You take your dirty washing to the 'Laundly' and go and listen to music at 'Lockies' bar. (Actually they will often really try to get the 'r' so it is not uncommon to find yourself at the 'Rrraundly'). There is live music every night at 'Lockies' and we went there with our friends from England, Peter and Elaine, they recommended it as an 'experience' not to be missed. How can you play every night for goodness knows how long and be so awful? I don't think the lead guitarist would have known a beat if it hit him continuously in a rhythmic fashion. "You think that's bad" they said, "Try 'Countly Loads'" - a bar on Sukhumvit Road in Bangkok, quite near to 'Cabbages and Condoms' - watch this space!

Our daughter and her partner are running in the London marathon and we have just spent a fruitless hour or so trying to see it over the internet. We would be fine if we were in the UK, the USA or Canada - oh well. Apparently it is going to be the hottest marathon so far. We are both very proud - they get a medal if they do it in less than 8 hours!

They did it! We spoke to them on the phone afterwards and Kate said " I am never running anywhere ever again" I think she meant it too. Dan is a teacher and a great motivator (Come on Kate only another 20 miles to go!). It was a great effort, well done!

With 2 weeks to go we feel like we are on holiday. Staying in a hotel at greatly reduced rates and with 10% occupancy we have our own private pool. Sue is concentrating on her tan and I am reading and trying to sun-bathe but my heart's not in it. What am I going to do when I get home!? It's going to be freezing cold and I won't be able to live with the pace of life. Here I have all day to make a decision and I can concentrate on one thing at a time, at home I know I am going to have to make instant decisions. "Do you want tea or coffee?" "erm....." "Come on I haven't got all day!"

14th April 2007 - Koh Phi Phi

Alone again.

We caught the bus from Suratthani to Krabi and spent one night there. A pizzeria called 'Bolero' had a live band from 9.30 - 12.30 playing all the old rock favourites, Pink Floyd, Dire Straits, The Beatles etc - just like being at home.

The next morning we caught the ferry to Koh Pi Pi which boasts the famous beach (Maya lagoon) from the film 'The Beach'. Pi Pi has a strange immigration policy - they normally only allow people in between the ages of 20 and 30 (or so it seemed to us). We were met off the ferry by a very eager young Thai boy (about 10 years old) with a trolley for our bags. He loaded up and off we went to our resort - 'Tropical Gardens Bungalows'. We wound through very narrow streets lined with bars, clubs, internet cafes, dive centres, restaurants, bars, clubs, dive centres ....... pharmacies (pregnancy tests, sunburn treatments, HIV tests), mini-marts, bars, restaurants, stalls selling necklaces, massage parlours, tattoo studios...

Talking about tattoos, I saw the 'Clockwork Orange' logo - on somebody's back and then I saw someone the next day in Krabbi wearing a 'Clockwork Orange' tee-shirt?! (I must have seen that film about half a dozen times when it came out in the 70's)

We left the narrow streets behind and entered, what can only be described as a shanty town.

Actually the hut was OK but we were only there one night before moving to a much nicer (more expensive) bungalow on a street that connects the two beaches on Pi Pi (the narrow point in the photo).

One day we paid 200 baht each to sit by a pool (situated on the beach) and watch a group of young males on one side of the pool 'displaying' to a group of females on the other side, all to the gentle refrain of club music. I think the sun had got to us, why were we there? What made us do it?

We didn't get to see 'The Beach' it would have been too busy. I would rather continue to imagine it's beauty in much the same why as I continually tried to imagine how Pi Pi must have looked before the tourist invasion. The water was fantastically clear and warm and the exclusive areas around resorts like 'Pi Pi Natural' are probably stunning but they were way outside our budget.

The high point of the trip there was witnessing Manchester United thrash Roma 7 - 1 in the quarter finals of the 'Champions League' and - oh yes - Songkran.

Songkran (The Thai New Year) is marked by smearing a little paste on each cheek (face) and splashing a little water on your back whilst wishing you a happy new year, another very sweet Thai custom. Then you leave the haven of your bungalow and your Thai hosts and venture down the narrow streets to find somewhere for breakfast. "Has it been raining, there seems to be water everywhere and those people walking towards us carrying those large toy ray guns are soaked?!" It seemed that Songkran is actually more to do with staging a mass water fight and everyone was free to join in, you didn't even need to be invited. I found a spare utensil and waded in whilst Sue made little girlie noises and hid in a convenient bar. Then we spent a happy 2 hours sitting in this particular bar watching the festivities. There was someone upstairs (who we never saw, but I guess was male) and every time anyone who was relatively dry (and female and young) passed by they had what must have been a dustbin full of water thrown down onto them. After a while they became really accurate and we enjoyed guessing who the next victim was going to be and then relishing that split second of time when they were walking along, oblivious to the mass of water which seemed to be suspended motionless above their heads. I tried to capture it on film by hitting the button the instant I saw the water appear, but a combination of my aging reaction time and the response time of the digital camera meant that the closest I got was the picture above. Their reactions look pretty slow too!

We were in Pi Pi for 4 nights and for three of those we had thunder storms and rain at night. Great thunderstorms too, I love witnessing the power of nature unleashed like that, it is no wonder that ancient civilizations dreamt up gods like 'Thor' and 'Zeus' and imagined them battling with each other in the heavens. The rain also 'galvanised' (get it?) the local frog/ toad population into a continuous symphony of sound. As they all seemed to live down large open man-holes the result sounded like an amplified, prolonged burp, totally drowning out the cicadas (no mean feat), ah the peace and quiet of a tropical island.

How about this extract from a brochure promoting Aonang beach in Krabi province. '...situated on the breathtaking Aonang beach, whose golden sand is shaded by swaying palm trees as the wind gently whistles through the leaves on another lazy afternoon.' (Isn't the English language wonderful? But so difficult to learn!)

30th March 2007 - The Sanctuary second time around

The Sanctuary at Hat Thien on Koh Phangan is just around the bay from Hat Rin, where they have the full moon parties (10 000+ people on a beach drinking and dancing til dawn). We had booked there to celebrate my niece Karen’s birthday, the Sanctuary is her favourite place.

A family of Ghekos behind a picture above our bed. Last time we were at 'The Sanctuary' Sue would have screamed blue murder but after 6 months in Thailand she thought they were great. "They eat all the insects".

Last time I was at the Sanctuary we had just arrived in Thailand. It is full of ‘beautiful people’ but we will fit in better this time. Karen actually looks the part so I felt a bit more accepted – by association.

Karen, looking the part

They may be beautiful but I am older and wiser and more ‘together’ than they are. I have read ‘Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance’ and other books about Buddhism, I am happy with myself and my place in the Universe. I don’t have hang ups like them and it will shine through in the way I carry myself. They will be falling over themselves asking me how I do it. “How do you look so calm and say such wise things? We feel so awkward in your presence,” they will say.

But it was me doing the falling over, tripping up steps that they skipped up (actually one or two did trip – over my legs that stuck out at awkward angles when sitting on the floor). Lumping down steps (like an arthritic elephant) that they floated down. Wheezing up steep concrete paths to the bungalows that they ran up (of course, they don’t sweat!). Languidly flowing to their feet after hours sitting cross legged chatting and laughing gaily as they went down to the edge of the sea to show each other their yoga moves. I too sat down for hours but what they didn’t know was that the last most of that time was spent desperately trying to persuade my legs to unbend a bit and then waiting for an opportunity to launch myself into a standing position whilst no-one was watching.

Maybe they do have hangups, perhaps they looked at each other and thought how gracefully everyone else moved. Maybe they looked at me and thought “how gracefully all these others move, but at least I look better than that old boy in the hammock”. I say the old boy in the hammock because I was in there for ages.

I managed to get into this hammock right in the middle of the communal ‘exhibition’ area, quite well I thought. I didn’t fall out and I fancied I looked as though I was always getting into hammocks. I wasn’t quite so confident about getting out though. The hammock was above a rock which had wooden decking on one side where lots of people were discussing bowels or something and a beach on the other side where more people were sunbathing with little tiny bits of cloth almost covering them. I really couldn’t see me getting out without drawing attention to myself so I thought it best to just stay put …. ! The hammock was one of three arranged in a triangle around the rock and there was a girl in one of them. I was just going to speak to her when she lifted her leg right back until her knee was level with her ear, I don’t know about you but I found this rather intimidating, if not downright disturbing, so I changed my mind – probably just as well.

When Peter and Elaine arrived we all decided to go to Hat Rin for the eveing to check out the bars and restaurants. We ate at a Tapas bar called 'Nicks' (after the owners's son - actually we have come across this before, 'Hopf' in Chiang Mai, 'Cabbages' in Bangkok) and then went off to explore. We listened to a very loud rock band in one bar and quickly moved on to a bar I had spotted, playing Blues music. They lit it with 'UV' lights and then supplied pots of flourescent paint and paint brushes. There was graffiti everywhere and we added our own. 'Lowestoft - UK' and 'Dude'. At about 11.00 everyone except me and Billy decided to head off and find a boat to take us back to The Sanctuary.

I had to stay to look after Billy, who had passed the point of no return.

Just when we had resigned ourselves to the adventure of a night on the beach they came back. They couldn't find a boat and thought that if we all went, 6 of us might stand a better chance of getting someone to take us. This was the night before the full moon party and when we got down to the beach there was a full scale dress rehearsal going on. Loud music, bright lights an (almost) full moon and a beach full of people more inebriated even than Billy. We stood about near the only boat and eventually someone came over. He would take us but it would be expensive. "How much?" A long pause ( we were expecting up to 1000 baht each and would probably have paid it) "200 baht each". We tried hard to look as though it was a bit expensive, the normal price is 150 baht. "Oh alright then".

In we all got, it was way past midnight and we drifted out to sea with the waves lapping, the music pounding and the lights stretching across the bay. The lapping turned into ripples and then into waves and still he hadn't managed to get the engine going (after an initial burst to get us away from safety). The waves rocked the boat from side to side, Karen went unusually quiet and the lights suffused her face with a light green colour. Peter informed us that there was an air lock that needed to be cleared which was why diesel was squirting all over the engine. The smell added to the general ambience, diesel perfume and a not so gentle rocking as we drifted further into the night. Suddenly we were away! Leaping across one wave and pounding into the next one we made our way to 'Sanctuary'.

If I just undo this nut .....

28th March 2007 - A good nights sleep and a Snorkel-tastic time.

We had already booked 'The Sanctuary' (That's right! We had been there before, last October!) on Koh Phangan, we were just going over early. So the big adventure merely involved going there to see if they had a room. If they were booked we would ask to leave most of our stuff and go off to explore pastures new.

They did have somewhere. A house, called 'Pond House' which could sleep four, so we didn't have to shoulder our bags and find somewhere else (damn, what a shame). The only problem was that Sue and I were sleeping in the loft, directly above Karen who is a VERY light sleeper. I was a bit worried about having to get up in the night to go to the loo, but Karen was very understanding. "That's OK Mark, just go to the loo before you go to bed and then 'clench'!" Has she no understanding of the workings of aging male bladders? They don't respond to 'clenching', you either don't need to go at all or you need to NOW!

Pond House with the steps to the 'loft' on the left

However, I duly squeezed out my bladder at the appointed hour and we all went to bed. At quarter to twelve I finished reading, "OK Sue? Lights out?" "Yes, OK" I reached for the switch, only to find out that it was a two way switch. One way, it turned our light on and the other way it turned our light off and a very loud disco on. It was a very hot night and there was no air conditioning so all the windows were wide open. Bladders were forgotten (full or empty), all four of us vibrated gently in our beds until six o'clock the next morning when the disco stopped and the cicadas woke up! How stupid of me, why didn't I just turn the light on again!

We all got up at about nine o'clock after a very restful couple of hours sleep and decided to move on and find Billy's paradise beach. We found it at 'Salad Beach Resort' at Had Salad.

Beautiful clear water, air conditioning and a coral reef for snorkeling! The only problem was that you had to wade out two to three hundred yards over coral before the water covered your knees. So Billy and I hired a kayak and we set off, Jacques Clousea and 'Skato'.

Kayaks are brilliant for getting off and snorkeling from but not so good for getting back onto again.

"OK Billy, you go snorkeling and I will stay with the boat for a while"

"Are you ready to get back on the boat?"

"Yep" ...........

"OK Billy, you steady the boat and I'll get back on and then you get back on after me."

"Right Billy, now you get back on" ...........

"OK Billy, you get on the boat first while I steady it then I will get on after you"

"Right, now I will get back on" ...........

"OK, let's both try to get on at the same time" .........

(Starting to get a bit tired now)

"Right, you steady the boat and I will get on and lay crosswise across the boat while you get on"

"OK, Billy, now you get on"

"Good, now I will just sit up" ...........

"Right I will just swim away from these rocks before I try and get on again"

"Err Billy, do you want to just paddle over here and then I will try to get on? No no I'm not tired. I'm fine"

We finally managed to get back on both facing the same way and in a sitting position but minus Billy's headband, my snorkel and Billy's goggles (oh no, we later found billy's goggles). Luckily for us we had decided to paddle round the headland to a different bay before all this happened, so we were spared the derision of Sue and Karen.

That's enough of paradise, on the 28th we set off back to 'The Sanctuary' and party! (It's hard work keeping up with these youngsters)

25th March 2007. Koh Samui, the elusive airport and the case of the disappearing petrol.

6 months in Thailand having fun doesn’t prepare you for ‘responsibility’. Karen and her friend Billy were coming over. They were landing in Koh Samui and could we just find them some accommodation? No problem!

We went over early hired a jeep and spent a day combing the island. Too quiet, too noisy, too expensive, too cheap, proper toilet but cold shower, lovely view but what will they do in the evening? We finally settled on a place called ‘Eden’ in a quiet garden but on a road where there were lots of bars and restaurants.

Eden - Karen and Billy's bungalow through the trees.

Eden was in Bo Phut, a quieter bay along from Lamai beach which was very busy. Not much petrol left but enough to get to the airport and pick them up the next day. We set off in the afternoon, well before they were due to land.

“That’s funny the petrol gauge hasn’t moved off red”. 100 yards up the road it started to splutter and we finally coasted to a spot near the main road. What a good job we left early. We walked up the road to a little garage “Hah hah, falang ran out of gasoline?” I bought three bottles of gasoline and borrowed a funnel promising to return the empties and the funnel. Still plenty of time. Unfortunately the arrival of a ferry at ‘Big Buddha’ beach along with major roadworks at the junction outside the ferry port and ‘leaving off time’ resulted in a Thai style traffic jam. By Thai style I mean that it was every man for himself. No sign of a policeman or traffic lights, cars were just all over the place but everyone (apart from me) seemed to be quite laid back about it. Imagine cars converging from three directions onto a junction which had been reduced to half a lane which meant that to turn left you needed to do a three point turn whilst all the cars from the other two directions waited for you! We made it through with less time now to get there, but we should still do it and we would have if….we hadn’t driven straight past the airport! How do you drive past an airport and not notice it? When there are no signs and the airport is just a collection of rickety wooden huts! We eventually realised but by the time we got back Karen and Billy were waiting so our little idea of holding up a notice (like taxi drivers do) at the arrivals gate saying ‘Drug Couriers’ didn’t come off. We drove back, taking our turn to do the three point turn and settled in to ‘Eden’. Next morning I got up early with Sue to return the Jeep whilst Karen and Billy slept.

“That’s funny the petrol gauge hasn’t moved off red”. 100 yards up the road it started to splutter and we finally coasted to exactly the same spot near the main road! How strange I thought, well, at least we know which way to walk. Notice how calmly I accepted this situation, 6 months in Thailand has taught me patience. “Hah, haha hah!! Falang run out of gasoline? Sorry no have, garage run out of gasoline!” Oh, what a lark, Sue was overjoyed. So we walked back (past the jeep) to another little garage bought 2 litres of gasoline and borrowed a funnel which was handily kept on a hook right next to an even handier piece of clear plastic tubing, ideal for siphoning. I expect those cynics amongst you are already way ahead (just like the flat tyre episode) but it wasn’t until that point that I thought, “Some B…… is siphoning my gasoline, in fact I am probably in the process of buying it back!”

2 days in Koh Samui was enough, Billy had visions of laying in a hammock on a deserted beach, so on with the back packs and off to Koh Phangan on the ferry from 'Big Buddha' beach. Nowhere booked but heh, let's just go, it will be an adventure!

(l-r) Billy, Karen, Sue and me.

18th March 2007 - Sue goes 'off on one'

RANONG.

Sometimes a little knowledge is dangerous. Our taxi driver, Jao, picked us up to take us to where the minibuses to Surat Thani left. Sue had checked it out in 'Lonely Planet' and discovered it was next to the Post Office. It was a good day to travel, overcast, not too hot and I was chatting to a nice Canadian guy who turned out to be a musician. He and his wife were off to do the same visa run to Burma that we had done the day before.

"That's funny," said Sue, "this isn't the way to the Post Office."
"Oh well, don't worry," I said, "Jao knows what he's doing".

We arrived at the bus station (logical) and there, in the corner on it's own with nobody in it, stood a decrepit old minibus. There was an office and a few Thai people were sitting around nearby.

Sue - "This isn't the Post Office! This can't be the right bus. Bprai sa nii (Yep! We know the Thai for Post Office), take us to bprai sa nii."
Jao - "Post Office closed today (it was a Sunday)."
Sue - "No, no! Rotbus glai (near) bprai sa nii." (The Thai was really coming in handy.)
Jao turned to me and tried to explain that this was the minibus and it left in 15 minutes (8am). I was a bit surprised that it was leaving so soon as it was empty and we were told that they left when full. Then Sue got back into the taxi and sat down next to the Canadan musicians wife (he was just standing around outside smoking a cigarette and taking it all in).
Sue - "I'm not getting out until you take us to the PostOffice. This isn't the right bus, please take us to the Post Office now!"
A few eyebrows were raised at this point. Jao leaned into the taxi, "Mama (it was madam earlier but things were starting to hot up), please come office."
Sue - "No, no! I'm not getting out."
Jao looked at me for help or something.
I peered into the taxi and recognised instantly the 'look' which said, "Don't mess with me."
Mark - "I think he just wants you to talk to someone with good English, dear."
Sue reluctantly got out.
"Yes, yes," said the lady behind the counter, "this is the bus and yes, it leaves in 15 minutes."
Sue - "Are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure, here are the tickets (waving a pad of tickets about and looking a little irritated), I sell you ticket."
Sue subsided slightly and I bought the tickets.
"Ok!" shouted the lady, and we turned to see all the Thais who had been sitting around piling onto the bus. We followed and got in to be met by a sea of silent faces, wide-eyed all staring at Sue a little nervously. They had left the back seat for us, to keep us as far away from them as possible.
Sue - "You weren't much help."
"Well over the years I have found it best, in situations like that, to just stand back and give you some room."

Off we go, everyone eyes front, avoiding the unpredictable farang in the back.

Off we went (quickly!), the ride was a little bumpy in the back but we made it to Surat Thani in a couple of hours. The driver had obviously done this route so many times that he could overtake without looking and whilst having yet another telephone conversation. He dropped us off right outside the travel agency where Sue had planned for us to buy tickets for the bus and ferry to Ko Samui (Ok, ok Sue it is worth doing some planning ahead). Inside we saw a girl we had been chatting to the evening before. She had caught the 6am bus and had spent a couple of hours hanging around the travel agency. We barely had time to go to the toilet before the bus arrived and we were off. 20 minutes wait for the ferry, straight onto a taxi at the other end and we were at our guest house 7 hours after we left Ranong. The whole thing cost us less than 7 pounds each, Jackson luck again.

17th March 2007 - The 'Burma Run'

No not drug running but getting our visas stamped for the last time before we leave Thailand and go home (boo hoo).

We left our island paradise at 7.30am and took the longboat to Ranong, where we were met by 'our driver' Jao. This sweet Canadian girl, Jasmine, was going to do the same thing so we asked her if she wanted to join us. She was coming to the end of a whole years trip away from home and wasn't looking forward to going back.

The whole visa thing is like a well oiled machine. All that was missing after we got off the longboat was the sound of a starting pistol.

1. Taxi to immigration office - visa checked and departure card completed.
2. Outside and given a crisp 10 dollar bill (if the bill is 'bent' the Burmese immigration officers don't take it).
3. Taxi to really run down fishing jetty where lots of young boys on flimsy little boats jostled for position. Jao fended off some young boys who wanted to help us with our rucksacks (a sharp growl and they scurried back into the dickensian shadows to lick there wounds).
The 'artful' led us by hand across boats to one on the outside.
4. Across the river to get petrol.
5. Up river to hut where he grabbed our passports and ran over some other boats and into a little office - back again,"Ok, ok we go now."

Check Point Charlie

6. Across a wide bay to Mayanmar (Burma as was).
7. Another old hut on stilts and 'artful' literally pushed the other boats out of the way and again leapt onto the little 'balcony'. Something was obviously said or signed and we were off again.

Move over!

8. We arrived at Victoria Point, which is a very busy run down port with lots of stalls selling things.
9. We were led off the boat and escorted to the immigration office. A young well dressed man fell in beside me, "Want to buy anything? Cheap beer, cheap cigarettes?" "Sorry no time" I puffed.
10. Immigration office, joined small queue of Farangs to get passport stamped. Crisp 10 dollar note miracoulously disappears.

Burmese immigration, I asked before taking this! In the background is the front of a long queue of locals trying to do the same as us I guess.

11. Back out and off we went to the boat having waved goodbye to Jasmine, who had decided to stay for a while (why?). I noticed the same young man fall in beside me "Papa want anything, Viagra?" Perhaps he thought I needed it.
12. Onto boat, back to Thailand.

Back to Thailand - home again!

"Tip, tip for artful?"He had earned it!
13. Taxi to immigration, 'entry' this time at the same desk but on the left of the 'departure' side that we had just left.
Sue looked at her watch, the whole thing had been done in 1 hour! Phew!!

13th March 2007 - Koh Chang - Paradise

Koh Chang is close to Paradise.

We decided to go for a walk the other morning as we were both awake before 7am. We walked along the beach for about 2 Km and then cut inland onto the 'main street' - concrete!

Another 2 Km and we hit the centre - 2 shops and 2 cafes literally in the middle of the island.

By the time we set off back the sun was up and it was getting hot. We arrived at the beach and then decided to take a short detour to the bakers as everyone had said they did great chocolate brownies and real bread!! This involved cutting back inland again but the sign assured us that it was only 100m. We got to a sign but there was no bakery, just a house down a track, we paused (fatally) and a nice helpful Thai said, well actually he went 'Uhh' and pointed further along the path so off we went, deeper and deeper into the 'dark dark wood'.

100m - surely this is beyond even the Thai's estimation I thought, but there was always just another corner to check or just another little hill to climb. By now we were a good 10km into our 'morning stroll' and I had left my compass back at the hut (yes I know it's sad but I always carry a compass to check where the sun is going to be in the morning - a hangover from our caravanning days when looking for the ideal pitch. "The kids are crying, I'm exhausted, we've been travelling all day and you're checking where the sun is going to be in the morning!!!"). Did I say it was getting hot?

OK we had better go back, but which way? The sounds of the jungle pressed in on us, what's that rustling in the leaves? A tiger? A cobra? OK Mark stay calm, think...... I know, turn round through 180 degrees and follow the path back the way we came, of course! What's this coming along the path towards us? No surely not, it can't be...... a jogger in day glo trainers - in this heat, are they mad!

"Excuse me do you know where the bakers is?" - It seemed such a normal question, surely something along the lines of "Water!" or "Paula Radcliffe I presume" would have been more appropriate.

"No sorry, I haven't heard of it" - Aahh, an American, that explains everything.

We retraced our steps back to the original house 100m from the beach which you have already guessed was the Bakers and they did have yummy chocolate brownies and coffee so strong that when we both finally made it back to the hammocks we couldn't sleep but just laid there staring straight up, twitching.

Whilst drinking the coffee I noticed a Thai chap walk past (I don't think it was the same one) with a massive chain saw slung accross his shoulder and an axe attached to his belt. "I bet he is going to cut down a tree" I said , I don't know what made me think it, intuition maybe (earlier we had seen a helicopter circling the island and we had been led to understand that they were looking for illegal logging). Sure enough the tell-tale sound of the chain saw started off just next to us and the next thing we knew this huge tree (well huge-ish) crashed to ground. He got his axe out and started lopping branches (where does that word come from - lopping?), the owners of the baker went to have a chat and came back to say it was the neighbour - he had decided to build a new bungalow. Yawn - "What shall I do today? I know, I'll build a bungalow - there's a handy tree."

Compare this with the prohibative laws in the UK. Planning permission from a corrupt council followed by Building Regulations on the actual construction checked at regular intervals by ardent young 'do-gooders' or cynical 'jobs-worths'. There that's got that off my chest.

We made it back to the bungalow at about 11 o'clock - 4 hours! Nothing had changed, "Is that a hammock I see, is that the sand, is that the beautiful warm sea, is that a bottle of ice-cold beer, is that the book I am reading, is that the bloody soduko I can't do!?"

I was meditating!